This school year has been very hard for me. I failed at balancing my role and my time.
Earlier today as I try to teach Filipino to Kuya V, Toddler Z kept interrupting and asked the same questions over and over, and the now-crawling Baby I grabbed whatever I have in my hand. V got frustrated with the noise that he scolded his sister and brother. Z shouted back. Baby just smiled, climbed my legs and went to get the marker. It's chaotic.
I'd like to focus on teaching V but with a toddler in her terrific twos and a baby who demands for me 24/7, it's so hard. Even if I give these two toys or items they could work on, they'd be begging for my attention after a few minutes only.
I want to give more and I feel like I am not giving enough. I am not doing enough.
A couple of weeks ago, I was so upset because I have been failing my son in our homeschool. I have not been spending much time with our lessons and the results showed on his written and oral exams. It seemed that he didn't retain what we have previously discussed.
I failed as a teacher. I failed as a mom.
Then the what-ifs started to flow.
What if I got all the books the school recommended, would it have been easier?
What if we were just independent?
What if we unschooled?
What if we used a different curriculum or provider?
Each question branched to even more questions.
I told my husband that night that if we won't be able to move forward and improve until the end of this month, I might consider enrolling V in a regular school next school year. I may have to give up homeschooling him, which really breaks my heart.
The month is about to end and I am still contemplating. Should I give up? Should I hold on? His future is in my hands and I only want what's best for him but I can't seem to figure that out now.